some mindless rambling. On sharing and helping

well, a friend came and looked for me for some... erm... last minute GP advice. so i gladly extended my help to
1. kill my boredom,
2. make myself feel clever (actually, i AM clever. lol),
3. well, its great to help pple!

coming to point no. 3. well at sometime(s) this year, certain events happened. And I really felt like there was perhaps something wrong in what I believed in, the principles I adhered to, or the stuff teachers taught in school. I mean, seriously. At these times I really wondered what went wrong. Initially, I came to the erroneous judgment that its all everyone else's fault. While I didn't tell myself that aloud, deep down within the recesses of my heart, I knew it. I thought that. And it was like a spoilt Gramophone Record that just went on and on on its recurring theme, eventually letting me feel it is correct. The gospel truth.

But sometime recently I gained a new perspective on this issue. No it was just a sudden spark of brilliance. I didn't sit under a bodhi tree (or any tree, for that matter) and gain enlightenment. I was just browsing some self-improvement-books-that-losers-read (Im not one, thats for sure :p) and it suddenly dawned on me that perhaps if everyone else was to blame, then the No. 2 person to blame was really myself.

It was my own fault for not having been firm, and put one foot down and state clearly the boundaries of what constituted kindness and what constituted pure dumbness. Its not wrong to help others. In fact, it should be encouraged. But when taken to its extremities, it easily rears an ugly head (or heads) and becomes a classic case of becoming taken advantage of. And that got me into loads of trouble, worries, undue stress. Which was the reason that led me into a state of, well, near-depression. And it generated a sense of decreasing self-worth and, eventually, self-competence as well.

I guess I've finally come to terms with it. And only now can I slowly crawl out of this lingering shadow. It still casts a shadow over me now. i haven't come to terms with my inner monster completely. Yet.

But Time shall tell. so the next time someone asks for help, I think I'll know better what to do. I hope.

Cheers,